Scared Shitless

In one of my earlier posts I wrote about how I was a scared kid growing up. I was afraid of basically everything. People, things, you name it, I was afraid. There were so many things I said as a kid I would never do that I have since done. And I regret none of it.

Everyone has seen those motivational/inspirational posters saying you should only regret the things you haven’t done or something along those lines. I can’t say those were an influence in my decision to zipline over waterfalls or jump out of a plane or travel abroad solo but they have since made so much damn sense in my mind. And with each passing day I know I have to continue to do what scares me shitless. Not because I’m crazy or enjoy inflicting stress on myself but because I’ve realized that to truly live, I have to do it all. I have to experience the range of emotions that comes with anything.

Growing up (for me at least), I always thought I was supposed to have this cookie cutter life. Go to university. Graduate. Get married. Have kids. Follow the same routine everyone has for generations in my family. I sort of wish I could say one day I just snapped out of that thought process… but the truth is, it took me a long time, a VERY long time to figure out that that may not be my path. I spent many of the years between then and now denying how I felt. Pushing it to the back of my mind as much as I could. Getting a quick fix for adventure and fun when I could. Feeling like I didn’t want the life my parents and grandparents had scared me shitless, more than any of the crazy things I’ve actually done. Now looking back at my fear of not living the same life, it seems crazy that I let it control me for so long.

Since it’s taken me a few years longer than I would like to have come to this epiphany, in some ways I feel like I’m pressed to make up for lost time. Maybe that’s why I jumped off a cliff and out of plane and climbed over rocks to get to waterfalls in the last 6 months alone. Now the only thing I want to scare me shitless is the thought of sitting at a desk for 40 hours a week just to come home and work even more on something I really don’t give a crap about and for people who just view me as replaceable.

I am no longer afraid of people and things and travel and places. I am afraid of being afraid to live my life in any manner I see fit.

So I guess I’ll just keep doing what used to scare me, but now makes me feel whole.

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