The last, wait, let me check my calendar… The last 50 days (or so) have been insanity. A dream? Possibly. A really weird trip? Definitely. A culture shock? Absolutely. I’ll do my best to put into words where I’ve been and what I’ve done at some point in the future but it will all pale in comparison to actually experiencing it with me.
In my last post before going MIA, I mentioned I was doing a lot of vlogging and shooting video and I was…Up until I realized I was more focused on getting video than experiencing the moment. So, I decided it was more important to be present than to shoot video and thus I stopped. Since that last post, I have been living in the moment. Only taking brief pauses from experiencing everything humanly possible to write my thoughts down in a journal that no one reads except me. Why haven’t I shared any of the thoughts from that journal or made any posts from things I’ve written down? For a lot of reasons but mostly because it involves what is quite possibly the longest stream of existential and philosophical questions regarding a deep-seated, long-standing internal debate. A debate that had no clear winning side up until now.
In the almost 200 pages I’ve written of thoughts and questions, of joys and frustrations, of breakdowns and breakthroughs, I agonized over feeling completely abnormal and lost and alone. I almost felt as though I was a child left alone in the woods at night. Trying to find my way home in a place where nearly everything frightened me. I questioned things like my perpetual anxiety, why I couldn’t or hadn’t yet found contentment in life but most of all why I couldn’t just get a job and keep it like everyone I know. I had for some time, even prior to this trip, been convinced I was like a defective toy, relegated to the Island of Misfit Toys.
It has only been through my writing, through the never-ending string of questions, that I have begun to see a small light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. The people I have met along the way have been a huge source for both new questions and new answers. Through all of this, I have come to realize I am not broken. I am not a misfit toy. The only thing wrong with me is that I have let fear stunt my growth. But that is all about to change.
P.S. I do plan on returning to vlogging shortly. I’m trying to find a balance between experiencing things fully in the moment as well as filming. It’s not an easy balance.